Four

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If I could post this picture a hundreds times without the rest of the word thinking I was crazy, I would. It is without a doubt my favorite picture and probably will be for a long time. Yes, I love it because we all match perfectly for the holiday of July 4th. Yes, I love that it was taken in front of my best friend’s house and if you look closely you can see her sweet boy riding his bike in the background. Yes, I love Jane Taylor’s outfit. I stalked the internet for months trying to find the perfect look for our new neighborhood’s biggest day of celebration. But what I love the most is that in this picture there were four of us.

 

Four. We weren’t planning on becoming a family of four at the beginning of July. We weren’t planning on having a new baby arriving in March. We weren’t expecting to have two kids under two. It wasn’t in our plans. But in early July we were reminded that God is in charge and this was the greatest unexpected plan we could ever receive.

 

A couple weeks later I miscarried. An unexpected pregnancy turned into an unexpected loss. And it rocked my world. Hard.

The question “why”. Ugh. I hate that question. Has been at the forefront of my brain ever since. Why did God give us this baby only to take it away? I was just beginning to process the idea of this baby being born. What the nursery might look like. How to convert the stroller into a ride for two babies. What would it look like taking two kids into the grocery store. And as all of those exciting, nervous thoughts were coming into play – our baby returned to Jesus.

 

It was amazing how I could go from receiving the greatest news to the hardest news all in the same month. How quickly my days went from dreaming to heartbreak. No one told me my body would go through all the motions again like it did after giving birth to Jane Taylor. No one told me that my postpartum anxiety would come back. And boy did it – worse than ever before.

 

I was great around people because they were a wonderful distraction. A moment in time where my head wasn’t having to fight off the darkness that seemed all consuming. Alone was scary. Night time was the worst. Becoming a one in a statistic hit me harder than I thought it would.

 

Summer was hard. I would lay on the floor in a ball of tears wondering why. Why us. Why me. Why am I going through this season of darkness. What Lord do you want me to learn from this. What was the point of gifting us new life only to take it away. It brings me to tears just to even type it out.

 

I am not on the other side yet. I am closer. But I am different now. Pregnancy is different now. I see mothers differently now.

 

I also see God differently – in a very good way. See through all of this I have had to lean on Him more than ever before. I see His work. I see His kindness. He works so hard to remind little fragile me that He has got the strongest grip on my heart. He is in charge. He is fighting for me. And it is a beautiful gift. I wish it was a gift that I didn’t have to receive through a heartbreaking loss. But I am so grateful for the way my eyes see Him now.

October 15th is now a day that will have a bigger impact on our hearts. So will July 1st – the day we found out we were pregnant. July 10th – the day we lost our child. And March 5th – the day our baby was supposed to breathe his first breath in this world.

Apart of me will always long for the child we lost. These dates will be filled with a mix of emtions. But I pray that when these dates come and go that I will use them to remind me of how great our God is. His plan might not make a lot of sense but it is set into motion for a reason only He knows. Putting my trust in that fact is the best thing I can do. It is not always easy. Some days it is the hardest thing I have to do. But it’s all I can. I pray for the mother’s who have lost today and I pray that through the hard moments they can see how tightly God is holding on to them too.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

Holding You

A couple nights ago I was holding Jane Taylor late into the night rocking her to sleep. For various reasons I kept having to move from one room to the other, keeping her asleep, as Adam set up her bed. I was tired, but at all didn’t mind holding my sweet girl on my chest. Honestly, I could sleep that way every night.

As I moved from room to room, holding her close and keeping her safe, I got this overwhelming thought about my fellow mothers in the world. Mothers that I have never met and will never fully understand what they have been through.

Becoming a mother has given me this strong desire to protect all around us. Protect her, Adam, our home. Thankfully, I live in a town where I am not constantly running in fear. I can speak of my love for the Lord. I can wear whatever I want. I can go wherever I please. I can do whatever I need to do for the best for my child.

But there are mothers in this world, in cities and countries I honestly can’t pronounce, who move from room to room, house to house, city to city, holding their children to their chest. Keeping them safe. Doing what is best for them. They are moving out of fear for their lives. A fear I can’t begin to imagine. Those mothers weighed heavy on my heart as I held my girl that night. 

The way mothers hold their children close is, to me, the physical representation of how God holds us throughout each day and night. He covers us with His arms, moving us from room to room, house to house, city to city, in efforts to guide us to a safe destination. One that can only be found by bringing Him into our hearts.

Today I pray for the mommas out there who are doing all that they can for their children. I pray they know that God is there to guide the steps. I pray that He can help carry the fear, in whatever form it comes, and turn it into trust in His plan. And I pray for all of you to know that you are being held, so closely, each and every day by our Savoir.  

He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. - Psalm 91:4

Nursery Reveal

Photography by Madi Flournoy Henderson 

Decorating a nursery is probably the most rewarding thing I have ever gotten to do. With each item purchased just thinking how it would be for my child was such an amazing feeling. Knowing that she would play on this rug and sleep in this crib just gave me all the feels. Best room I have ever created... in my opinion. :) 

Before we even found out we were having a girl, I knew the nursery was going to be super simple with only hints of either blue or pink. I also knew the walls would be grey and the furniture would be white, regardless. I didn't want to do a theme I just keep it very warm and simple. We actually got all our furniture before we even knew the gender! Below I go through each item in her nursery. 

1. Crib & Chalkbord: I got her crib at Pottery Barn Kids and it has since sold out. But there are lots of similar styles. I loved how simple this crib is and that it could hopefully be used for more than one child. I also knew I wanted her name over her crib so I asked my friend Laura Crawford to work her magic. I am obsessed with how it came out. Before she was born I would just sit and stare at this chalkboard. I still do now that she is here.

2. Mobile & Boppy: The mobile is so funny to me because it looks so cute on the crib, yet all the books tell you not to keep on the crib while the baby is sleeping there. We take it off while she is sleeping but when I need a distraction for her, she really does love it. The boppy and the newborn bobby are a MUST. The boppy and boppy slipcover are a must if you are breastfeeding. The newborn boppy is great for a spot for the little one to hang out. 

3. Rockin-Play: This is the one thing everyone said I had to have. And let me tell you..they were RIGHT. We had her in this all the time up until she was about 7 months old. She loves it and I love that I can control the settings with my phone. 

4. PlayMat: This play mat comes from High Street Baby. It was a gift at one of my showers. I get more questions on where this is from than anything else. 

5. Changing Table, Mirror, and Diaper Pail: I love how the changing table is also her dresser. We have a tiny house so we need all the space saving we can get. Her mirror is from Etsy. Those little handles on the mirror are starting to become a little tricky since she is getting to the stage where she wants to grab EVERYTHING. The diaper pail does exactly what it is supposed to do. And I love it. 

6. Bookshelves: I first saw these on Chronicles of Frivolity and thought they were the greatest thing ever. I love the way they look and I am impressed with how many books they will hold. 

7. Bouncer: This is a great item to have to take with you around the house. I am always needing something quick to place her in and this is easy to carry around. She also used to take naps in this every once in a while. 

8. Brittany Fuson Prints: Y'all. I have been dreaming of the day when I would get to fill a wall in my house with Brittany Fuson Prints. I have never had a spot that would work before because 1) I live with a boy and 2) our houses have always been so small that I don't have an office/closet/girlie spot where it would work. So when we found out we were having a girl I knew the prints were going in the nursery. 

9. Rocking ChairSide Table & Lamp: This is my favorite spot in the whole house. I spend more hours in this chair than I do anywhere else. And the most precious moments take place right here, holding my sweet girl. 

To shop all the items in the nursery just click below. Getting to decorate a space for my little girl was very fun. But the best part of the nursery is seeing her in it.