My All in All
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Photo by Brigette Billups
One of the first memories I have with Lampley took place in the hospital on her first full day of life. She was snoozing in her bassinet next to my bed. The girl had already shown she was going to be quite the sleeper. And unlike her big sister, Lampley was totally fine with sleeping all swaddled up on her own.
Suddenly, she started to cry. And even though she was hours old I could already tell it wasn’t a hunger cry (although the girl can eat). It was a “mama I need you near me cry’. So I jumped up and gently rubbed my fingers along her cheek and told her over and over “It’s ok Lampley girl, Mama is right here”. Within a handful of seconds she was back asleep, and so was I.
I think about that moment often as I rock her to sleep. I look down at her little face snuggled into my arm and remember how easily I was able to calm her down in that first moment of distress. Thankful that she let me.
These days a rub of the cheek doesn’t quite do the job in terms of getting her to settle. I know she needs more than that now. There are still plenty of moments where I have no idea what to do to make it better when she is so upset. I know I can hold her, I can rock her, I can tell her I love her, and I can pray that she will give me something to help me understand how to make it better. I loose my patience, I get frustrated, but I keep trying to help her because she is my world - it is a honor be the one to comfort, provide, and care for her.
My connection with my daughters isn’t one I can put into words very easily. But when I think about how deep my connection is to them I am overwhelmed at the fact that God knows me even more than I would ever know my own children.
Psalm 139 verses 1-6 reads:
‘You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to lofty for me to attain.”
Not only does He know me, He knows what I need, where I need to be and what I need to be doing. Such as it is a mother’s role to care, teach, provide, comfort and love her child - it is His job to comfort, to provide, to teach, to care and to love me.
But there are times where the places I end up are not where I want to be. There are times when I am overcome with grief, sadness, frustration, and it leaves me confused. Why this Lord? Why here? Why now? When I am in the pit of those valleys it is hard to find comfort in the fact that He is in control. I cry out to Him in the same way a child cries out for comfort from their mother.
And then I am reminded, sometimes years after the fact, of how He has always been there. How in moments of utter heartbreak He found a way to shine His light, to remind me that even when it makes no sense whatsoever - He will comfort me through each and every joyous and heartbreaking season.
There is a song that sings of how He alone is our comforter. He is our light, our strength, our song. He is firm through the fiercest drought and storm. It is in the love of Christ that we stand. That song, In Christ Alone, is just one of the many that the Lord allows to play through the speakers of my mind when I need to be reminded of how He is working to comfort me.
So today, I encourage you to look for the moments where God is comforting you. It could be a song, a kind word, a funny commercial, or a story from the bible. And it might take some time to find, not because it isn’t there, but sometimes it happens without us even knowing and years later we will see what He was trying to do.
He is there. He wants to hold you as tightly as you want to hold the person you love. Let Him. I promise He will never let go.
