Keep Healing
/I will never forget where I was standing when I got the call from my doctors office. It was late evening on a Monday afternoon. Since it was after 5 I was worried I wouldn’t hear the results of my bloodwork until the next day. The emotions of fear and hope were battling each other in my heart. Hope that maybe everything was going to be ok. Fear that the worst was actually happening. The phone rings.
“Sweetie. I’m sorry but your numbers have gone down. This is the start of a miscarriage.”
I did my best to fight back the tears as the nurse finished carefully telling me what to expect and when my follow up appointment would be. She tried hard to be reassuring but I quickly said thank you, hung up the phone and fell to the floor.
I wasn’t totally surprised. I had gone in on Friday for my first blood test where my numbers showed I was pregnant, but it was early. We told my parents and began to hold our breath. The last time we were pregnant we miscarried. Positive pregnancy test are not the same after that.
On Saturday I started spotting, but it was different from the last time. I was scared but was reassured by my doctors office that this was normal.
So I was hopeful because surly it wasn’t going to happen again. Surly this pregnancy was going to end with a baby. The due date was October 15 - which is pregnancy and infant loss day. ”So this is how God is going to rewrite this story. This is going to be a beautiful story.” I remembered thinking once I realized when our baby would be born.
But the worst happened. My fear came true. The best news and worst news delivered too close together. My heart was broken. My hope started to fade.
I sat there on the floor of our kitchen shaking in disbelief that this was real all over again. Worrying about if I would have to begin again in the healing process. I had just started to feel normal again after our first loss. And the work was hard y’all.
Adam quickly rushed over to sit beside me. Jane Taylor waddle her little self over too and put her head on my lap. Through my tears I told her she had another sibling in heaven. I’ll never forget the way her eyes looked at me in that moment.
That was a year ago today. I truly can’t believe it has already been a year, because it feels like just yesterday.
With Lampley’s arrival it is easier to make a little more sense of the miscarriage. If I hadn’t miscarried, I wouldn’t have Lampley. But Lampley is her own person, pregnancy and story. She doesn’t replace the baby we lost. She is joy, huge amount of joy, after a very dark season. It wasn’t until she was born that I understood the term “rainbow baby”.
Regardless, I’m still healing. I’m still trying to understand why we lost at all let alone two times. I’m still trying to learn God’s message for me through this, that is if there is one. Losing our babies early in the pregnancy forever changed me. I’m sure at some point it will be for the better. I don’t always understand but I know that God works all things for our good {Romans 8:28}.
Each day I get up, I throw myself into the word even when I don’t always want to, and I keep trying to heal. I realize that my heart will probably never heal whole again. There will be cracks where pain can creep through. But I am sure that my heart is starting to feel peace. Keyword: Starting. Peace that God is in control. Peace that He loves me, and He loves my family, and He loves my children. If I can just grab hold of that peace a little more each day I know I’ll be able to keep healing.
I don’t know what you are walking through but I all know we all still healing from something. It could be a loss, a breakup, a friendship, a word that was said about us - I don’t know. But what I do know is we serve a God who heals. He heals the broken-hearted {Psalm 34:18}. He weeps when we do {John 11:35}. He wants to lift us from our brokenness and bring us peace in a new kind of wholeness. So hold tight. Hold so tight to that peace He is offering. And just keep healing. It could take a lifetime but you will heal.
